Saturday, May 21, 2011

NFL Shenanigans' Top 9 Moments

9) Bud Adams Flips Buffalo The Bird
We can rest assured that the 88 year old Tennessee Titans' owner Bud Adams is not yet suffering from severe arthritis.

Just two years earlier, during the 2009 season, he was able to youthfully raise both middle fingers towards the Buffalo Bills' sideline as a result of his team defeating the Bills 41-17, and he was caught doing it on camera.

Yes, he was overreacting, since it's not really a great accomplishment to defeat the Buffalo Bills.

But you have to hand it to Adams- he knows his business. Surely we'll be seeing Celebrex advertisements featuring Bud's middle fingers, and the ad will boast about how he was able to flip off the Bills pain free.

8) Tim Tebow's Fashion Statement
Hazing of the new comers is a practice that is repeated all across the country, in all walks of life.

The NFL is no different, as the veterans of the 2010 Denver Broncos decided that proper haircuts would be required for the rookies.

It was a simple, yet fitting route of initiation that led to a truly golden moment in NFL shenanigans.

The veterans likely debated amongst one another... The more cruel hearted ones probably suggested a mohawk for the rookie quarterback Tim Tebow, while the merciful ones argued for simply shaving his head.

But in accordance to the beliefs of the great Aristotle, the truth is found in the middle.

So the veterans found their compromise, and the result was the atrocity known as Tebow's Friar Tuck haircut.

7) Mark Sanchez Eats A Hot Dog
During his rookie season in 2009 against the Oakland Raiders, New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez ate a hot dog on the sidelines and was caught on camera doing it.

It sparked an avalanche of the same stupid headline on news papers all across the country: "Mark Sanchez Hot Dogs It". While "hot dog" is of course slang for being boastful.

Do we truly not have anything better to do than to make news out of an athlete eating food on the sidelines?

Whether it's a Twinkie, Ho-Ho, hamburger or hot dog, you can bet on one thing... If someone famous is eating it on camera, then it's news.

6) Chad's Desperate Plea
In 2003 against the San Francisco 49er's, Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco (known as Chad Johnson at the time) made a desperate plea, which politely asked the NFL fat cats to refrain from fining him once again.  

He did so by holding a poster up to one of the broadcast cameras that stated:

"Dear NFL, 
PLEASE don't fine me AGAIN!!!!!"

Surprisingly the NFL refused his request, and they slapped him with a $10,000 fine. 

The fines collected by the NFL from misbehaving players goes towards helping retired players, as well as other charitable organizations. 

Chad's career is on its last legs, so soon enough he'll join the retired players and perhaps he'll start collecting some of the money he lost in fines. 

It's like a social security system for showboat receivers. 

5) Joe Horn Makes A Call To The History Books

In 1941, New York Yankees outfielder Joe DiMaggio completed a 56 game hitting streak, which is arguably the most untouchable record in all of sports.

That same year, Boston Red Sox outfielder Ted Williams completed the season with a .406 batting average, which was a truly remarkable accomplishment that would be difficult for any other player to match outside of the dead-ball era.

In 2007, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady threw an NFL record 50 touchdown passes and led a team that went 16-0 during the regular season.

But of course, one accomplishment that Americans can truly hang their hats on was that of Joe Horn, a former wide receiver for the New Orleans Saints.

Horn joined the ranks of the previously mentioned athletes during the 2003 season against the New York Giants, when he became the first athlete to make a fake phone call with a cell phone on the playing field.

After scoring a touchdown he reached into the padding surrounding the goalpost and pulled out the cell phone that he had previously planted there, and then pretended to make a phone call. 

The phone call was fake, but little did he know he was calling up the authors of history, as his epic accomplishment will always be viewed as an athletic milestone.

4) Albert Haynesworth Fails His Conditioning Test
At the start of the 2010 training camp, the Washington Redskins' newly hired head coach Mike Shanahan required that his athletes pass a physical conditioning test.

Defensive tackle Albert Hanyesworth's test consisted of running a 300 yard shuttle, in 25 yard increments, in 70 seconds or less.

Haynesworth, who recently signed a $100 million contract before the 2009 season, failed the test on multiple occasions.

To make matters even more hilarious, retired 48 year old NFL defensive tackle Mike Golic, who is now a correspondent with ESPN, was able to pass the conditioning test with flying colors on his first attempt.

Whether Haynesworth has invested some his millions of dollars towards treadmills and workout equipment is unknown, but what we do know is that even if he did he wouldn't use those things.

Another thing we can be sure of is that after he retires Americans will have another overweight citizen on their hands. We can all agree that's something we desperately need.

3) Terrell Owens Mocks The Dallas Star
On September 24th, 2000, San Francisco 49er's wide receiver Terrell Owens reminded us all of a valuable virtue that we so often forget- Sports is not just about winning. 

It's about making the opponents feel really really bad about themselves, as well as pissing off their entire fan base.

Owens celebrated a touchdown by running to the Dallas Cowboy's star logo at the 50 yard line and spreading his arms in a disrespectful fashion.

Then, after a second touchdown, he ran to the Dallas logo once again and spiked the ball. But luckily, Dallas defensive back George Teague chased him down and laid him out in return.

Terrell Owens is truly an example for the youth of America.

When will we finally admit to ourselves that unsportsmanlike conduct is just flat out more entertaining? Seriously.

2) The Labor Dispute
God forbid that an NFL owner be forced to wait a month before buying a multi-million dollar yacht.

And the NFL should be ashamed for making running back Adrian Peterson live the luxurious life of a modern day slave.

But while the two sides attempt to work out the most crucial dispute of the century, fans can rest assured that we are simply pawns to them.

While teams constantly betray us by moving away to greener pastures, and repeatedly raise the prices of everything, we can certainly look the other way and ignore it as fans. We can sacrifice what we make in order to support the excessive life styles of the owners and players.

Nothing feels better than being an ant. We are all totally expendable assets in their quest for riches, and we should all be thankful for the opportunity.

I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if an NFL superstar had to settle for a $50,000 Cadillac Escalade instead of a $200,000 Ferrari.

1) Jamarcus Russell

Sir JaMarcus Russell pursued a degree at the institute of higher learning known as Louisiana State University.

While perusing a degree, he also committed to becoming accomplished within the school's athletic programs, particularly American football.

He won a National Championship, and the Oakland Raiders made him the first overall pick of the 2007 NFL draft.

A truly accomplished young man.

Early in his career, however, he decided to hang up his cleats and pursue the purple drink, naturally.

Although Sir JaMarcus has temporarily set aside his athletic career, he will still continue to impress.

Sweden's Nobel committee is keeping a sharp eye on JaMarcus, as he attempts to find the perfect combination of codeine and cough syrup, which will result in the most flawless brand of purple drink the world has ever known.

God's speed.

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